in sickness and in health
letters from the now #8
Hello friends,
the past week has been revelatory.
Last weekend I got sick. During my sabbatical, when I got sick I was always like, yes, great, I know what to do, time to cancel everything and lounge in my bed for as many days as it takes. Great!!
This time things were different.
The signal my body sent out felt weaker. I tried to sleep in but I couldn’t, I woke up at around 8, even though I was up till 2 the night before. I also felt a great need to “go to work”, which currently means going to a coworking space or a cafe.
(As a sidenote, my wish for earlier nights and earlier wake-ups I outlined here is generally working. I get tired at 9:30 sharp and tend to wake up with the sun or around 8.)
I followed that impulse throughout the week, having pretty standard days, with not much focus on rest. When Julia arrived in Berlin on Thursday, I told her that I feel amazed, elated and a bit confused.
For such a long time I was so keen on rest, on non-doing, on canceling stuff, and now I had a week of fully fledged work, job applications, social engagements, some of which I was co-hosting … a real working man’s week!
I felt like I imagine feeling with a newborn1: You’re sleep deprived, but you’re going to work, to feed the very being that deprives you of sleep, with a cheery smile. I’ve been longing for this kind of steady energy flow. The way my illness and my drive interacted was remarkable to me. Life was flowing through me, and with me.
So, I enjoyed my long weekend with my lover, and we had some very fun times, with no particular effort on rest. Until Sunday.
We’re getting up to some Sunday morning activity, and I realized how heavy I feel, and how little drive I have, and that I actually need to go back to bed, promptly. I spent most of the day asleep, even though Julia had to leave, and we were supposed to enjoy our last remaining hours, and have a nice goodbye. I almost slept through her departure. We didn’t have a very nice goodbye. (But we figured it out later.)
What a strange bill to be served.
Phenomenologically there was a real spark, when on Sunday at some point I said: “Holy shit, I actually do need rest.” I could feel my whole system relaxing, which is why I was so dazey throughout the day. I sort of changed my identity, my stance, from “seems like I’m unusually fine wow damn” to “I’m an ill boy now and I need rest and care”.
I highly recommend observing this. When you speak out loud the truth your body is trying to tell you with its own special language, and it sees you heard it and understand it, it relaxes palpably. The body of a relationship between two or more people does the same thing. Once the unspoken truth in a given room is uttered, the air becomes more breathable and the path becomes clear.
It made me a bit useless as a relationship partner in the moment, especially having a non-trivial relationship day. But both Julia and I are in times of change, and we understand that each is sometimes grappling with their own fresh internal challenges, so all ended up well. And we carry truthfulness to the body as a high value.
With all this said, let’s not underestimate the profound seasonal effect of spring on the body, both in early allergic reactions and in enthusiastic energy spurts.
I hope the energetic peak of spring is treating you well! Catch you next week!
See you soon and many blessings
S
I was on a call with
today, who just had a kid (congrats!) and he said something about his personal state that reminded me of a very good attitude when you’re currently sabbaticaling: “I have little expectations for my days, but I cook good meals and I try to catch all the sleep I can.”No matter whether you’re feeding your newborn or trying to rebirth your inner child, I guess the basic m/o is the same.
love this for you, love this for me (that i get to read it), love this for your relationship
what a blessed thing you’re writing & living like this regularly