what we shun is what we seek
letters from the now #5
hello friends,
time is short today so this will be a quick one.
It’s been a confusing week. It’s always a tough one to say goodbye to my lover, knowing that we won’t see each other for close to four weeks. I’m now counting the months until we live together. It’s time for this long distance game to come to an end :) Soon!
When it comes to my work, I’m finding myself at a place where I’ve been many times. My innards are calling for commitment to a plan, a strategy, an identity; the path that I know I must walk and I’ve known it for about 6 years. I hold this path so dearly, so preciously, that I’ve been trying to prepare, weigh options, take great care, but also I digress, distract, discard and it’s driving me a bit nuts.
I’m hesitating to spell it out on this page. I’m afraid of what might happen. I’m strongly aware that I must do it regardless.
The world is a big stage and I’m called to it. People come to me with their problems and hope for advice, and I’m always happy to give it. I’m meant to be a preacher, teacher, coach character. I’m possibly meant to create programs and content and to ride the wave of where some mechanistic algorithm meets my face, voice, and message.
But this is so scary??!!! The stage is very very scary. So much can happen. I know the power I have. I know what a fool I am. I’m a careful boy, always have been. As a kid, when I wasn’t sure about something, I would say “lieber nicht” (“rather not”) and retreat from the playing field. I was never a thrill seeker, but much rather looking for familiarity and comfort.
When I encounter a thrill, I enjoy it very much, and then I don’t seek it again. I think this is some sort of dopaminergic ADHD thing. I can’t pre-perceive the thrill when I think about what to do. Despite considerable advances in embodiment, in planning what to do I seek what is “right” and not necessarily what “feels good” or rather “what’s exciting”. I find this ironic, because this argument suggests that it would be more virtuous for me to optimize for thrill for the time being, and to create a new sense of rightness, that contains more eros and more thrill.
Writing this is scary and contradictory. I’ve always shunned thrill seekers, and advocated for steady process.
But I’m finding out every day, that what I shun, is often what I seek.
And even more so, it seeks me. Time to lower my armor again.
Time to move towards my fears?
Sending much love to you and yours and theirs
S
This is very relatable! I've finally come to a conclusion with that feeling recently, and I am now in a much healthier place than before. Wishing you strength and fortitude. You can and will make it!
aw i love this so much! yes! go simon! you can take it. you can meet them, the things that happen when you do what burns!