Stories from the now: Road trips and Love
Hi,
It’s Thursday, 24 August 2023. In the last couple of weeks and months, I’ve lived. I’ve lived and not written, and now the page is beckoning.
I’ve met so many people and told the same stories over and over. It is nice to have people and stories, but my voice and my throat have started filing complaints directed at my hands. “Why are you not writing? Haven’t you heard that putting things on paper is the way to ‘replicate’ a story? It is the technological upgrade from passing it on orally!”
Okay, okay. Yes, this is hands speaking. We are writing, fine fine fine, if her esteemed majesty, the voice, is unwilling to further pass on our lived experience, we are happy to do it, why not.
Aha, we seem to have an agreement.
Let me try to give this a shot, let’s see what comes out.
Starting from the now…
I’ve never felt freer than now.
I’m in a hammock on a campsite. In front of me, my car Gottlieb and my wizard-tipi-tent. I’m on the road to Poland to follow my heart. I’m running out of money, but I’ve got a good shot at making some new cash. Life is good.
I called my friend Aga yesterday. Necessary, because I’m on the way to Poland and I’m in love with a Polish woman. My Polish friend Aga ought to know. Aga and I have had a shared goal in life, and it’s to “do whatever the fuck we want”. This meme rings of freedom, of desire, of independence, of joyful living. We coined it almost exactly 10 years ago, when we were living as exchange students in Groningen, Netherlands.
Doing Whatever The Fuck I Want has been a life goal and a mantra for me, and it’s been loaded with meaning and nuance. What does it mean, to do what you want? What does it feel like, how does it go?
I feel like I’ve been inching closer to this over these last 10 years.
I got my dream job. I quit it to pursue a sabbatical. I went back in time to witness and heal a bunch of trauma. I met people who get me and who roll with me. I met a great guy who I’m co-founding a business with, which will help us continue a “whatever the fuck we want” lifestyle. I’ve put a lot of effort in freeing up my Eros and my sexuality. And now I’m in love and I’m on a road trip to pursue it.
It was supposed to be way different
I was just in Leipzig, and L. and I (we’ve been lovers for a couple of years now) were supposed to go to France in her van. A week ago we were on the phone and she told me that we would go, but that we can’t go as lovers. She is seeing someone who lives close to her, and she is tired of the goodbyes.
My nether region briefly complained but my heart quickly gained the upper hand and I was very happy for L. and her new lover. Being lovers also means loving each other. Loving each other means wishing the best for each other. I knew about the limitations of L.’s and my relationship and I knew that what we had wasn’t the best for her. And not for me either.
Speaking of limitation… I had an amazing revelation in May or June. My homeboy Leon was visiting me, and we did our thing, smoking dope all night while showing each other the best music we knew. This time we even made a playlist out of it. I was blissed out by the top tier quality time (and the dope) and suddenly something made a big “crunch” in my body and my being, like a big clutch finally connecting gears that had been apart for too long. It was about love… I had spent most of the year cultivating a sense of “I’m looking for love”. An honest, innocent feeling that accompanied the last stages of my heart opening, over 2 years after a soul crushing break up at the end of 2020. And now these gears shifted together and I realized that I had love. I didn’t need to look for it, or at least not in the wrong places anymore — it was right there. I thought of L., who had been loving me very well and kindly, and I loved her too. And I realized how much I had been loving myself, and my brother, and that I’d been treating myself and others very well, to the best of my ability. And so I realized that I had love, and not only that, I was love, and the whole “looking for love” business was an act of “othering” something that was not an “other” — it was in me and me all along.
And as these gears shifted together, this long lost connection, I felt so serene and blessed, and it was a godly moment. God told me in that moment that I could lower my armor, that there was no need to hold out or to control what was happening, especially in love.
And so I thought of L. and how long lasting and well feeling our love had been, and I fantasized about being with her and how good of a mother she would be and I realized how much I had put obstacles into our way, like only seeing her quite opportunistically, not really seeking her out, etc.
I felt some shame around that. I also felt understanding and compassion, I’d known for a while that we were likely not going to be together and that I was looking for someone else. But I was feeling that I would like to live love more honestly and that I wouldn’t gain from holding back, and that I could trust that even in being more engaged and loving with her, the truth would come clear and nothing bad would happen.
And that’s how the plan for our trip came to pass in the first place. After the gears shifted, my fantasies were a little bit too strong and I could feel that my body was calibrating to this new reality. After a few days we spoke and tried to find time to see each other, but we were both busy so nothing seemed possible. Except for me joining her on a van life holiday, which I said yes to, of course (I had never van-lifed and this was a big dream of mine).
How amazing is that? My sense of love gets completely shifted, I do step towards the person who currently represents love to me best, and now, not even a week before we are slated to go, I receive the message that she has found a more fitting love. As someone newly devoted to love and truth, how good is that?
So I had no choice to be incredibly happy for her, and I told her a bit of this story on the phone as well, and we both felt blessed and lucky and appreciated each other immensely, and were still looking forward to our trip together, as friends and ex-lovers.
That, my friends, is how I’d like life to look like.
And it does get better.
As I arrive in Leipzig, L. is plagued by back problems, which she had mentioned on the phone. It seems like we won’t be able to go to France. After two doctors appointments in the evening and in the morning, it’s clear that we can’t go on a trip at all, L. has to stay in Leipzig and take care of her body.
Forgoing the van-life stings a little bit but we go for a one-day trip to the lake in her van, and I get to drive her old turquoise Mercedes Sprinter, which is a sheer joy even though the gas pedal is finicky and it takes all my car-driver skill to handle this big old beast. A little bit of van life has been had, and that will be it.
L. is frustrated but I adapt quickly. Have you ever had this feeling where holiday plans get cancelled, and now you have double-freetime, because you neither have your day-to-day nor your holidays? I love it, it creates a sort of plan-vacuum which brings forth an incredible serenity, as well as a sense of possibility.
I realize I have everything I need. I’ve got my own car, I’ve got my very cool tent on me (as I’m writing this the guy at the campsite next to me is asking me a bunch of questions about it), and I just need to buy a sleeping bag and I’ll be ready to go, not for van-lifing but at least car-and-camp-lifing.
AND ALSO, I’ve been falling in love with a Polish girl, J., in the past couple of weeks. Yes indeed, and we’ve been trying to figure out when we can best meet. Due to my planned travels we were relegated to mid-late September. And now, there is possibility! Where would I rather drive to than to where she is? It’s Tuesday night, I give her a call. Should I come now? She’s at a party, she’s excited, possibly not sober, I realize later. She says she’ll be back home from Warsaw on Sunday. Great, I need a few days for driving, camping and writing. I’ll be there with you on Sunday night. She likes my spontaneity, I like it too. It feels like a movie. Twenty minutes on the phone and ten are spent laughing. If this is what love feels like, I like it a lot.
And look! L. can spend time with her lover (also a J!), and I can spend time with my soon-to-be lover J. Isn’t that great? Aren’t the pieces in the right place now?
Before I go, L. and I throw an I Ching for her. “What’s in my back (non-medically speaking)?”, she asks. It’s 18: Work On What Has Been Spoiled with a Nine at the top: “She does not serve kings and princes, sets herself higher goals.” It is all about correcting man-made mistakes, in this case strengthening her back with yoga, which she had neglected. The six at the top gives change to 46: Pushing Upward, which is about regal uprightness and verticality. As a spine should be.
It all makes sense and I feel the hand of God again.
Many blessings, more stories soon
S