Hello friends,
it’s Sunday, I’m in Poland, the sun is shining. Time to take stock in a letter from the now.
My most apparent news is that I did not get the job that I talked about in my last letter. I found out yesterday after an intense swim, and maybe the equanimity of exhaustion helped me take the news well. Anyway, I’m not too bummed out about it, but I’m never the less challenged.
The interview on Monday went so/so, I know that it was not going badly, but I also wasn’t nailing it. My intuition told me spend the rest of the week creating some new applications, which I managed to do.
Now, the question is, what’s next. I’m grateful for a setback like this, because it completely changes the landscape by which I can perceive and engage with the world.
I don’t know if you know this feeling, but it’s so surreal:
Scenario 1:
Imagine I had heard back with a “yes” from the job interview yesterday. I could celebrate, I could relax for a moment, I’m now on rails, something predetermined is going to happen, I will join the team, I will begin doing the work. How great. At the same time, I’m sure I would spend some time in doubt, wondering if this is going to treat me well, if I can do it well, if it sends me in the right direction. But first and foremost, I’d be signing a contract, I’d be getting paid for at least three months, the scenario is set, I’m in a movie, I just need to act right.
Scenario 2:
Instead, the message of “no, sorry, not this time” takes me into a completely different scenario. My income is not secure, and I need to continue being the director of the movie that’s going to play out in the coming 4-ish weeks. Yes, I’ve got some irons in the fire. Maybe I’ll join another application process. But I’m also invited to ask myself: What’s my focus? What’s the most important thing? Money is tight — how can I ensure my aim and output have the right shape and volume, so that I generate some returns? In other words, I want to move with a level of speed and engagement, how can I best facilitate that for myself?
What’s more: What am I not seeing? Which mistakes am I making that I’d rather not repeat? While I’m in the world of action and performance, where can I be faithful? What process can I choose that I can also trust?
And then also: How much time can I spend on thinking and planning? Not zero, but also not much I suppose, this time is asking for execution.
It just takes one. One right move, one yes from someone. One action that feels good and works well that I can repeat, and that takes me closer to Scenario 1 again.
I think that life is very much oscillating between Scenario 1 & 2. The sabbaticalist shuns Scenario 1, because it’s too boring and predictable. I feel grateful to be yearning for it again.
The most interesting part of this, is that the process of “having a CV and sending it to companies to apply for jobs” is practically indistinguishable from “having a coaching practice described in a one pager and sending it to companies/individuals to offer coaching”. Someone said to me this week, “freelancing is easier because there is much less commitment”. Strange, I thought, because to me freelancing always feels harder. Maybe I’m wrong? I shall experiment.
One thing I know is that I’ve rarely been this committed to all sorts of trying, swimming in the waters of work and the world, instead of watching and wondering from the shore. This feels good, this I am grateful for. The stance is right, the approach is still shaping itself. I’m freelancing, job seeking, and creative producing at the same time. This is what my life is supposed to be like. This is good.
With letters from the now I’m committed to writing “through” this complex and vulnerable process, as opposed to just experiencing it and making sense of it in the future.
Writing these helps me a lot. I hope you can enjoy them similiarly.
How many crossroads can a man be on per month? Lmao. If you have any friendly advice at this point, please do offer it, I feel open and in need. If you have a job for me, I’m all ears :D
Much love and many blessings, and see you soon
S
this is so great, i love getting to hear from your surfing the waves of these times 🌊